Thoughts on gratitude:
I really struggle with gratitude. I resist it, and often feel sour towards attempts to encourage me to be grateful. I’ve not really delved too deep into it, but today I spent some time doing a guided meditation on gratitude as an experiment and it brought some interesting things to the surface.
When I try to feel gratitude, I instead feel fear and loss. When I push toward feeling grateful for someone or something, I find myself dwelling on how easy it is to lose that person or thing. We are also told to not invest ourselves too much, to hold things and people with open hands in trust, and trying to be grateful closes that hand. Grateful for a person? Boom: they move away or die. Grateful for a thing? Boom: fire or theft or natural disaster. Grateful for something about yourself? Boom: Cancer or injury or dementia. It’s easier to shrug off loss if you don’t really care to begin with.